Logically, he knows that. Or, he suspects it, anyway. If he'd let the team go in the first time, a lot more bodies would've been dropped courtesy of the vigilante. It does not, however, make it any easier to deal with. Tim is used to being directly responsible for peoples' deaths. But usually, it's the bad guys dying, not the good ones.
His hand tightens around Matt's briefly, just a quick squeeze. He gets through his first glass of bourbon in nearly record time, and leans forward to pour himself another without letting go of Matt's hand.
He knows there's not enough alcohol in the world to combat the nightmares he's bound to have tonight, but he's sure as hell gonna try anyway.
"They don't teach you how to get rid of the guilt," he says. "In the army. They teach you how to compartmentalize, how to lock it all away and separate it from your job so you're a more proficient killer. So you won't hesitate when you pull the trigger. What they don't tell you is that you can't keep it separate once you get home. Doesn't work. Don't have a mission to bury it under."
He pauses, frowning at his glass. He won't look at Matt. He doesn't think he can right now, honestly. Not when he's talking about this. "I could never decide if livin' with the guilt was better than never feelin' it again. Some soldiers can't find their humanity again when they come back. Kept it buried to long, I guess. They end up losin' their wives, their kids. They're the ones that become hired guns. Sometimes I think the only difference between snipers and hitmen is that hitmen are paid better."
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branchandroot
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Date: 2016-01-16 08:22 am (UTC)His hand tightens around Matt's briefly, just a quick squeeze. He gets through his first glass of bourbon in nearly record time, and leans forward to pour himself another without letting go of Matt's hand.
He knows there's not enough alcohol in the world to combat the nightmares he's bound to have tonight, but he's sure as hell gonna try anyway.
"They don't teach you how to get rid of the guilt," he says. "In the army. They teach you how to compartmentalize, how to lock it all away and separate it from your job so you're a more proficient killer. So you won't hesitate when you pull the trigger. What they don't tell you is that you can't keep it separate once you get home. Doesn't work. Don't have a mission to bury it under."
He pauses, frowning at his glass. He won't look at Matt. He doesn't think he can right now, honestly. Not when he's talking about this. "I could never decide if livin' with the guilt was better than never feelin' it again. Some soldiers can't find their humanity again when they come back. Kept it buried to long, I guess. They end up losin' their wives, their kids. They're the ones that become hired guns. Sometimes I think the only difference between snipers and hitmen is that hitmen are paid better."